Fraud

I’m such a fraud. I went through and read some of my old blog post and realized that I am just a big fraud. I write about grand ideas and notions but never follow through with a single thing. Why?

Well, I think that I have a similar problem to most people out there. I get distracted by life. My previous post was all about getting healthy and running Spartan Races. Since that post was written last year I have worked out all of 2 times. Just a few days after that post was written I lost my job. I had already signed up for 2 other spartan races for the year and was prepared to have the most healthy year of my life. A little more than a year later I can say that I was unable to run either of my other two races and did not stay on course with my health goals.

There are actually a lot of goals that I didn’t stick to last year. I was not less than 210 lbs by December 31. I did not have my level 1 CrossFit instructors license. And, the most disappointing was that I had somewhere along the way forgotten what my real responsibility in this life was: To love and steward my family in a way that honors God.

I got completely turned around. I was living selfishly and wasn’t concerned with fixing it.

But then, almost a year to the date of being laid off from my other job, I was fired. It happened out of nowhere. On Tuesday and Wednesday I was being complimented for my performance. On Friday I was fired, without reason. Talk about a wrench in my plans. I was so confused, and hurt, and lost. I had drifted so far away from where I wanted to be that I was shaken deeply by this change. I had no where to turn but to the Cross and to my family. And that’s what I did.

That was more than a month ago. I am still unemployed, but man am I happy. I began to work on me, on my interactions with my wife and kids, on my perception of what others thinks of me, on being better. When I say better, I mean that I think and react and see others out of a place of love. I want to see my relationships as opportunities to love people the way Christ loves me: without expectation, without wanting something in return, without judgement.

I have a long way to go but I will get there. It will not be easy, and it will not be quick, but Jesus says that I must change and so I will do my part in transforming my lifestyle to bring praise to the Lord.

If you are still reading I would like to recommend some books that are really stirring my spirit as of late:

Scary Close by Donald Miller

Interrupted by Jen Hatmaker

Loving Our Kids on Purpose by Danny Silk

Am I a failure?

Dang straight I am. By today’s standard I am a big ol’ pile of failures. I quit most of my jobs within 3-6 months(I’m only passionate about a few things, but so far none of them have hired me), I have a nice little chunk of Credit Card debt, I don’t own anything except for a bunch of books and a guitar(And no, I’m not a great song writer), I still rent, and my current job is not directly related to the degree it took me 7 years to obtain(really it was only 5 years in school, I took a couple of vacations along the way). And, I forgot to mention the part where I was accepted to Seminary, drug my family to Kentucky, and then decided not to go 2 weeks before classes were to start. So, I’m pretty sure I have the failure title covered.

Am I ok with being a failure? Absolutely!

My life is so full of great people and experiences that I would have never had if it weren’t for my failures. I am not necessarily proud of all of my choices, but they are the decisions that have led me to where I am today. But, what’s even better than all of my mistakes and shortcomings is… I am still loved by Papa.

“Jesus Christ’s life was an absolute failure from every standpoint but God’s. But what seemed failure from man’s standpoint was a tremendous triumph from God’s, because God’s purpose is never man’s purpose.” Oswald Chambers

This little passage from “Utmost for His Highest” was a breathe of fresh air for me. You can’t live in you mistakes or you’ll miss the beauty that Papa is constructing just for you. You do not know what Papa is doing for you in your time of failure. His will is so much better than ours, even if we can’t see past our own mistakes. Don’t live in your failures. Forgive yourself and look to what God has in store for you.

My name is Jason. I’m a sinner saved by grace, blessed with another day.