Self-Realization

I don’t know if it’s just me, or maybe there are other almost 30 year olds out there trying to figure themselves out. I feel like I have lost touch with what makes me tick. With what brings me true joy. I keep getting things wrong. It seems like I keep screwing up.

I feel like I need to “fix” myself. I have been trying to come to a point of Self-Realization. To a place where I have everything figured out and I know what is wrong with me. A place where I not only know what is wrong with me, but why, and how to fix it.

But, what if that’s not the point?

Papa doesn’t want a self-realized man. He simply wants me. He wants the broken me. He wants the hurting me. He wants the me that gets mad at his wife sometimes. And the me that sucks at managing his finances.

He wants all of my Crap just the way it is. He wants everything that I have to offer Him. Good or bad. He wants me and all the baggage so that He can use it. He wants to pour me out, all of me. He wants to use my bad for His good. He wants to use my weakness for His strength. He wants to use my ugliness for His beauty. And He wants to use all of me for His Glory.

Devotion to Papa is not about realizing all of your faults and failures and trying to fix them. It’s about laying all of that down and allowing Grace to wash over you. Let Papa change you, you aren’t strong enough to do it on your own.

My name is Jason. I am a sinner, a failure, and a bastard son. A ragamuffin covered by grace and washed by the Blood of the Lamb.

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Wow!! 30!

No, I’m not 30 years old, not till Feb at least(and I may decided to move it back even further). This is my 30th blog post.

It isn’t necessarily a huge milestone, but for me that is a lot of words put together so far. I like to blog. I like to share what’s in my head with anyone who is willing to read it. But sometimes I get too caught up with who is reading it, or should I say who is not.

Sometimes I get so caught up in the statistics of my blog that I forget about the content and why I do it. I start caring more about the bar graphs showing my daily traffic then I do about the person who might be reading this. I didn’t start this blog to get popular or famous. I started this blog as a way to share what Papa was doing in my life in hopes that others would be encouraged and/or challenged. And by others I don’t mean the world. Because, let’s face it, not everyone is in the same place at the same time, so what I write is not going to apply to everyone.

So, why do I let the statistics affect me so strongly?

Because I haven’t been consistant with my real life. I haven’t been letting Papa affirm who I am. I haven’t been unwavering in my devotion to my God and my family. When that happens I look for self-worth in the opinions of others(or in this case the traffic of my blog). I haven’t finished reading through the entire bible yet, but I have a sneaky suspicion that blogging is not a high priority to the disciples. I don’t think I’m going to find God saying, “You will know that I love you by the traffic on your blog.”

I do, however, want more people to read my blog so that more people will be challenged, or have someone to relate to. So sometime it can be a bit confusing. I want more traffic, but I don’t want more traffic to be my goal(sounds like me and money, it’s a love hate relationship). So, instead of reading “How to make your blog Awesome”(it’s fake, don’t try to google it), I am going to simply blog. I am going to write what I write and let the ships fall where they may(or something like that). I just hope that you enjoy what you read here, and are able to take something of worth away each time.

My name is Jason. I’m a sinner covered by grace.